The Very Secrete Diaries of The Hobbit
by Aurontalia
Summary: Read it. You know you want to. *All reviews must be Dwarvish
1. Chapter 1

The Very Secrete Diaries of The Hobbit:

Note: The idea for this came from Cassandra Claire's The Very Secret Diaries of the LOTR. If someone else has already started this, I want to read it.

Also, DwarfCheatSheet: 2012/get-to-know-the-company-of-dwarves-on-the-hobbit-cheat-sheet/

**Day 1:**

Day 1: Bilbo

Odd old man turned up at my house today. Seemed to not know what a 'good morning' meant! Ha! Clearly a very disturbed old fellow. Invited me on an adventure he did! Nasty, excitable things those are! #MustEatMoreCrumpets

Day 1: Thorin

Couldn't find the burgler's house. Got there last. All the cake was gone. Finally saw hot nephews after years apart. Also found that father is dead. Wish Gandalf had been less 'oh, and btw, your father's dead.' #NoSympthayForThorinOakenshield

Day 1: Bifur

£§∑¢∂ß§¨•®ƒˆƒ¨¥©!``1∂∞ß¨®†∂ƒ˚¨¥©˚¨∂†¥˚∆∂ß´®ßΩ®ƒ˙∆ç˚¨¶ß´®∑å©∂©∆√©¡ƒ¥∂ß∞¢ß¨®∆çƒ˙∆©¨˚˙¬…˙∆˚¡!

Day 1: Dwalin

Am not the prettiest dwarf on this mission. Will Thorin still like me even though I've gone bald? #StupidHotDwarves

Day 1: Bomber

Stole ate all of hobbit's crumpets.

[Smear of crumpet across page]

Day 1: Balin

Thorin cannot read a map. He got lost on the way to the burgler's house, despite the fact that it's the biggest house in the shire, and has a giant mark on it from Galdalf. Also cannot read moon-runes. StupidIlliterateLeader

Day 1: Dori

Nori is convinced that he would be a better bugler than Ms. Bilbo. Can't say he's wrong. But mother would want me to keep him out of trouble.

Day 1: Nori

#IAmABetterBurglerThanBilbo

Day 1: Ori

I don't like green food.

Day 1: Oin

Cannot remember which dwarf I am again.

Day 1: Gloin

Sad to leave behind missus and little Gimli. Must destroy all evil, so my lad can grow up to be a farmer, or a smith, and never go to war.

Day 1: Kili

Am Hottest dwarf on mission

Day 1: Fili

Must kill brother so can be hottest dwarf. Thorin keeps eyeing pretty golden hair though. Must remember to flip hair to look prettiest.

Day 1: Bofur:

Must make hat more pointy so can be distinguished from other dwarves. #

Day 1.5: Thorin

What does the word 'Durincest' mean?

Day 1.5: Gandalf

Going on suicide mission with army of dwarves and hobbit to fight a dragon. #IAmBetterThanSauron


	2. Chapter 2: Day 2

**Day 2:**

Note: Balin doesn't get how hashtags work (neither do I actually...), so he uses the sign, or anything he wants.

Day 2: Thorin

The hobbit is late. Bastard. Why are hobbits always so attractive? Not as hot as nephews though.

Day 2: Balin

Is Thorin's only good point his hotness? It's certainly not his beard. ThorinShortBeard

Day 2: Dwalin

Gave hot hobbit toilet-rag as handkerchief. Ha. Hobbit will not steal Thorin from me. #WasHottestBeforeBalding

Day 2: Bifur

¢∞¶´∂¨∆çƒ¨¥˚©ˆ¥Am making progress with speech %^FCTYKVHKDCER∂¥˚†∂†ß∆®†ß˙®ßYASERH toasters!

Day 2: Bomber

Have convinced other dwarves that breasts are because am fat. No one has noticed that I am a woman. #DwarfMenAreStupid

Day 2: Bofur

Bomber is clearly not a dwarf man. Should I tell Thorin? He has tempter problems.

Day 2: Kili

Am hottest dwarf next to brother. Hobbit is very pretty too. Why do wizards always like them small? Asked Gandalf and he said because 'at perfect height.' Wouldn't explain for what. Thorin keeps muttering about 'Durincest.' Are there other hot cousins?

Day 2: Fili

Have flicked hair very much, but Thorin keeps staring at Bilbo. #StupidHobbit

Day 2: Ori

Hobbit complains more than I do. Must complain more and drive Dori mad, just like mother.

Day 2: Azog

Must kill all dwarves. Must End the line of Durin! If only Thorin were not so hot. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Also, what is Durincest?

Day 2.5: Thorin

Blasted hobbit wants to go back for a blasted handkerchief! Will show him MY handkerchief if he wants it. #HotHobbits


	3. Chapter 3: Day 3

**Day 3:**

Day 3: Bilbo:

Was caught by trolls and almost eaten. Dwarves found treasure and I got a sword though. I wonder if it's seen much battle? Thorin seemed very interested in my sword, and we talked about it for quite a while, mostly about maintanance, polishing and the lot. Thorin is a very knowledgeable fellow. Very pretty hair too.

Er, I mean

Nasty things, adventures. Wouldn't be caught dead in one. Might be caught dead in one, if this continues as it has.

Day 3: Fili

Was caught by trolls trying to impress hobbit. Fili told me what Durincest means. Somehow hobbit knew about my parasites. Must not let anyone else know. #MustNotHookUpWithThorinOrFili

Day 3: Thorin

Nephews looked very fetching tied up by trolls. If only hobbit had been caught too. Then I could have rescued him.

Er, I mean, Stupid hobbit! Gah!

Day 3: Balin

Kili has parasites. Will blackmail him for something in future. Need something on Thorin and Fili next. Perhaps Gandalf after. %BlackmailDurinLine

Day 3: Ori

Trolls are stupid. The best way to cook dwarf is in a light sauce of lemon and mint, perhaps with a slight peanut glace, to cut down on the fat. Bomber should be broiled honestly, not cooked at all. And all should be shaved and deboned prior to cooking. #TrollsCannotCook

Day 3: Random Orc Who is Not Peter Jackson At All

Daughter has returned from the inn. Turns out Thorin was there. Thorin isn't supposed to be attacked by orcs, but we can fix that. #GoingToTellOrcsAboutThorinAndAddStuffToHobbit

Day 3: Troll William:

Dwarves kept us arguing about how too cook them until sunrise. Not sure if posed properly so Troll-maiden will come along and kiss me, freeing me from stone. #FrozenAsStone

Day 3: Bombur

Bifur suspects am girl. Must eat more food to hide breasts.

Day 3: Bifur:

Bomber is definitely a woman. No dwarf man would have such elaborate braids. Except Dori, and Nori, and Ori, and Gloin, but they are weird dwarves.


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for Fili/Kili mistake in last entry... also, am somewhat backtracking, and am going through entire film to get everything in the right order. #ObsessedWithTheHobbit**

Day 4: Bilbo

Cannot get any sleep. Fili and Kili seem to think it's funny to tease me about orcs and such coming and raiding my bed! Also made joke about Thorin raiding bed, which makes no sense.

Day 4: Thorin

Nephews think night raids by orcs are funny. I'll show them funny after I paddle their backsides raw! gave me a good opportunity to hit on hobbit though, and tell impressive stories about oaken 'shield.'

Day 4: Kili

Fili says uncle is a 'pervy hobbit-fancier' whatever that means. I think he's just trying to distract me so he can steal my fake beard. I know it's working because everyone keeps looking at me. More than usual I mean. #AmHottestDwarf

Day 4: Fili

Balin told ridiculous story about how Thorin go the name 'oakenshield' from wielding an oakenbranch as a shield. #HeDoesn'tUseItAsAShield

Day 4: Balin

Good thing no one knows how Thorin actually beat Azog... ^StupidThorin

Day 4: Bombur

Doubt that Thorin was actually so great as to beat Azog. Azog is like 2000 feet tall. Thorin is pretty, but not that pretty.

Day 4: Dwalin

Balin told of days when I was hottest dwarf. #DaysOfGlory

Day 4: Bifur

We are ∂¨§∂®†≈obviously lost. Tƒ˚ƒ†∂ƒ©˙ç®ß≈Thorin cannot read the map. ∞§´†¥ƒ∂®!

Day 4: Gloin

We are going in the wrong direction. Still, quest will succeed. Perhaps son will become weaver, instead of miner. Little Gimli such a delicate little lad.

Day 4.5: Thorin

Everyone says we are lost. We are clearly going in the right direction. Northern, westerly, southern, it's the right direction, blast it! Bifur tried to take map, but I hit the axe in his head with my axe. That shut him up. #CanSoReadAMap

Day 4.5: Bilbo

Have only been out of shire once or twice, on walking holidays, but aren't we going in the wrong direction? Offered to help Thorin read map, but he got quite shirty with me, and then suggested I come and sit on him while he shows me what's on the map. What a strange people dwarves are. #ThorinCannotReadAMap


	5. Chapter 5: Day 5

**Day 5:**

Radagast:

Found Sebastion very ill. Why do hedgehogs always have such strange names? Edward. Sebastion. Eunice the Toaster. Bah. I told him no more mushrooms after last time! Will never get reputation as brilliant wizard back after last council meeting! Turned out to be witchcraft. Might have to do something about that, after a few more mushrooms of course.

Bilbo:

Gandalf won't stop rain. Learned there are 4 other wizards. Why are we stuck with the only one who keeps wandering off and leaving us to be attacked by trolls and such? I don't know what the term 'pervy hobbit fancier means either, but feel as though it ought to be applied to him. Must keep him away from nephew Frodo. Gandalf seems like the sort to go off and corrupt the young.

Fili:

Kili lost ponies. All his fault. Thought to make burgler go and get them back. Kili tried to claim credit, as usual. #KiliLostThePonies

Kili:

Fili sent hobbit off into the woods to die. Feel like something went missing, but cannot figure out what. Perhaps we are missing a dwarf? #FiliIsMurderer

Thorin:

Stupid hot nephews lost ponies. Claimed they were distracted by hair braiding. Would believe that excuse of them if they had more braids. Suspect Durincest. #NoDurincestForThorin

Fili:

Uncle angry about ponies. Must fight trolls with extra hair flips in pennance.

Kili:

Uncle angry for some reason. Cannot figure out what. Must have realized I am the hottest dwarf. May even be hotter than elves. All ponies have vanished. Perhaps Bomber ate them? #HottestDwarf

Bilbo:

Adventuring sucks. Must walk everywhere now. Suggested that Thorin carry me. Now must carry extra supplies.

Gandalf:

Found farmer hut from last time. Must make sure no one finds out what I did. No one else would come with me. Thorin won't tell me what he and the elves did. Went off to leave them to be attacked by orcs or whatever. #HadEnoughOfDwarves

Thorin:

Hobbit suggested dirty acts to me while on march today. Not sure what 'carry me Thorin' means, but it must be something dirty. Will approach bedroll later tonight. Have given hobbit extra supplies to carry with, supplies in them. Must not let other dwarves know.

Gandalf suggested we go into the hidden valley with the elves. What did he do with the farmer who used to live here? Will not go into the elf valley. What happens in the elf valley, stays in the elf valley, and hobbit must not learn of what was done there. #ElvesSuck

Dwalin:

Thorin loves Bilbo. Is obvious. Moons over him. Says he has no place on quest. Why am I not the hottest dwarf anymore? Was hottest dwarf in Moria, next to Thorin. #NotPrettiestAnymore

Oin:

Thorin wants hobbit. Will it fit? Must give him ointments and things.

Dori:

Thorin is behaving very badly and has succumbed to the vile seducings of the hobbit. Must make sure Ori doesn't realize and start thinking about non-dwarves.

Ori:

The hobbit is very hot. Might know quite a bit about cooking too. We pilfered his pantry before we left and some still tastes very nice. How to get rid of Thorin though?

Bifur

Have regained normal speech. Am pretending to be stupid still, so that Balin doesn't finish the job. I wonder if Thorin suspects? Suspect he is too wrapped up in Bilbo though.

Gloin

Leader Thorin wants the hobbit. Seems very wrong, little fellow hasn't even grown into his beard. #ThorinPedoBeard

Bomber

Hobbit seems not to know Thorin wants him. Wonder if this is a sign that dwarf culture is becoming more open to change, and women who just want to break out of the smithy and into battle –

Mentioned idea of warrior-women dwarfs to Dwalin. #HopesDashed

Gandalf:

Thorin wants Bilbo. Not fair. Have not decided myself between hobbit and hot dwarf. Cannot have both. Saruman would get jealous. Saruman is always whinging about things. No orgies with farmers and blowing up their houses, he says. No more mushrooms, he says. No more adventures where you accidentally awake an ancient evil and plunge the world into darkness, he says. # Saruman RuinsEverything

Kili:

Perhaps if grew beard would be hotter? Must be hottest dwarf! #WillBeHottestDwarf

Also, what is a burglerhobbit? #VocabularyGrowing

Bilbo:

No one but Gandalf seems to notice that it was entirely due to me that they weren't eaten by trolls! Thorin seemed quite concerned about me though, kept groping me, and saying 'haven't lost any bits, have you mister hobbit,' and groping some more. Thorin has very soft hands.


	6. Chapter 6: Day 6

Sorry this is late! I was sadly on an adventure of my own, moving places (there are no dwarves here though). I have about half of the first movie done (give or take editing), so yeah. Once a day hits maybe? Assuming the trolls don't invade

**Day 6:**

Gandalf

Had good chuckle last night. Bilbo got all the dwarves to yell that they had parasites. Waited for quite a while to rescue them. Got all the credit. Found swords afterwards. Must not let Saruman know I let dwarves run off with them. Perhaps will go and visit Radagast and blame it all on him. # Saruman HatesRadagast

Kili

Thorin wants hobbit?! Am clearly hottest dwarf! Shall increase braiding sessions with Fili to ensure jealously. Fili has pretty hair. Must cut his hair while he's not looking so he looks stupid from behind. #HeWillNeverNotice

Bilbo

Did not get any sleep last night after trolls and Thorin. Thorin came by to search through supplies. Not sure what he was looking for, but he didn't find it. Kept saying funny things, like 'take off your clothes hobbit,' and 'never have I seen such smooth skin and such a small beard.' It is clearly a goatee! I wonder what he wants? Gandalf gave me a sword though, protested that I'd never used a sword. Thorin told me he'd show me how to use it later. Then he asked me if my sword was sheathed or not, but it was sitting right there in its sheath! Thorin has very wiggly eyebrows.

Fili

Kili wants Thorin. Does he not realize that Thorin is uncle? #KiliWasDroppedOnHisHeadAsChild... AndIDidIt

Thorin

Hobbit seems shy. Must try more seducing techniques, such as shouting and making dwarves all run. Hobbit will look very hot while running. Hair will look awesome swept back by wind. #AmHotDwarf

Bifur:

Bomber is definitely a woman. Got good view of breasts when troll tried to eat her. Also got to bury treasure.

Kili

Have not slept all night. Making self pretty for Thorin. Perhaps should seduce hobbit away from Thorin and then comfort Thorin when hobbit proves unfaithful? Thorin might notice me seducing hobbit though... and hobbit is very pretty. Not as pretty as me though. #AmPrettiestDwarf

Bomber

Bofur insists on practicing throwing and eggs and such in my mouth. Not sure if this is a seduction attempt, or if he thinks it will help him fight the orcs. Bofur is not very good at fighting orcs. #MayLikeBofur

Nori:

Attacked by trolls last night. How come none of us are dead yet? #TooManyDwarves


	7. Chapter 7

**Day 7:**

Kili

Tried making false beard out of twigs to seduce Thorin. Heard he and Dwalin used to go at it, before Dwalin became Ugly. Will never be ugly. #HotFakeBeard

Fili

Kili is wearing beard of twigs. Looks v. stupid. Have told him it looks awesome. If he never takes it off I will be hottest. #EncourageStupidKili

Bomber

Seems like all but Thorin know am woman. Not sure if care. Ori keeps staring at breasts. Will smack him. Bofur throws food at me. #MeanDwarves

Gandalf

Nearing Rivendale. Must sneak away, so as to make sure that dwarves must fight orcs. Maybe Thorin will die, so hobbit will be all mine. #EndTheLineOfDurin!

Kili:

Gandalf keeps muttering about Sauron and Saurman. Am confused as to why evil overlord of Mordor is with elves. Maybe they made up? Always get confused about which is which...

OMG! They must be the same person! #IAmSoSmart

Thorin

Kili wearing stupid thing on face. May not be best choice for heir. Must make sure heir to throne is hottest bestest dwarf, since hobbits and dwarves cannot reproduce. Thinking about giving hobbit class ring to make things official. Maybe then hobbit will show me what's in his pocket. #WhatsInHisPocket

Bilbo

Thorin keeps asking what is in pockets. Seems like question will be important later.

Gandalf:

Noticed that Sauron and Saruman are very similar names. Could they be the same person? #IAmSoSmart

Fili:

Have taken poll. Everyone thinks Kili is hottest dwarf, even with stupid fake beard. Have bright golden hair, why am I not hottest? Bomber said I was very pretty, but in motherly way, so it doesn't count. #BomberIsAWoman


	8. Chapter 8: Day 8

**Day 8:**

Radagast:

Have felt evil. Hedgehogs v. whingy. Ate all of my mushrooms, and now feel guilty, since goes straight to my hips. Saruman will tease me at the next Important Wizard's meeting if go and am fat. Told me last time that needed to go to weight watchers. Put bird poo in his tea in revenge. Perhaps witchcraft has spell to get rid of mushroom fat? Sauron was always v. skinny and hot, for an evil lord. Perhaps will go to Dalgaldur. Dalgaldur v. dangerous though, like Walmart on Black Friday, perhaps make Gandalf do it? He's always up for an adventure. #DalgaldurOnBlackFriday

Kili:

Gandalf has twin now. Am so confused. Not sure if will take Gandalf with us or Not-Gandalf. Not-Gandalf has dirty hair, but also has rabbit sled. Fili says rabbits would make good eating. Gandalf says it's not allowed, but not his rabbits, so how would he know? Not-Gandalf keeps mentioning Black Friday. Not sure if racist, or referring to celestial event. #SoConfused.

Gandalf:

Went to evil fortress. Radagast said couldn't go, because Saruman said it's dangerous. Show Saruman who's dangerous. #GandalfBadAss

Radagast:

Sent Gandalf to dangerous fortress of evil. Much easier than expected. #StupidGandalf

Thorin:

Killed warg. Hobbit looked v. appreciative and sweaty. Tried to suggest we could enjoy other sweaty persuits, but hobbit seemed overwhelmed. Perhaps hobbit will need massage later. #HobbitSlaya

Bilbo:

Wargs! And blood, and oh, my, I do feel as though this adventure has been a terrible mistake! Thorin killed warg right in front of me, and then said line about getting the blood pumping, and struck pose with hair flowing in wind. V. hot, but am so confused as to why aimed at me.

Ori:

I wonder, if I sneak off and pretend to be dead, will anyone notice? #TooManyDwarves

Bofur:

Srsly? We have bloody 4000 dwarves who look the same, a burglerhobbit, and now another wizard? What is this, Glee? Wonder if Gandalf realizes that his evil twin with the rabbits sent him to necromancer's on purpose? #StupidWizard #TooManyDwarves

Balin:

Thorin has taken us in exactly the wrong direction, in at least 3 possible ways today. Are now near elves, which Thorin would know if he knew how to read a map, or if looked up and saw the poncy signs the elves have everywhere. Have jumped down underground passage to Rivendale, to avoid elves, and Thorin doesn't realize. #StupidThorin

Dori:

Caught Ori pretending to be dead. V. stupid idea, since wargs eat dead bodies. And live bodies. And trees. Might kill Ori myself if he keeps this up. #KillOri

Fili:

OMG why does Kili have a bow? What on earth did he do with his axe? #StupidestWeaponEver

Kili:

Killed more wargs than others. Would have killed all, thus proving awesomeness and hottness, but Thorin got jealous and made me jump into the hole. #HottestWargSlayer

Nori:

Wargs had no treasure. Did steal hobbit's handkerchief though. He keeps borrowing them from Thorin. Thorin v. stupid. Am picking everyone's pocket now that we are in dark hole. #BestBurgler

Thorin:

Molested Hobbit getting into cave down below. Hobbit is v. hot, and seemed v. grateful for help. #Winning


	9. Chapter 9: Day 9

**Day 9: Rivendale**

Thorin:

OMG! WTF! §¢∞∑¢∞∑¥¢∞¨•∂§ˆ†§∂´§åß´†¢∂®†∆ƒ†¥©˚¨√¥¡!

This tunnel leads to fucking Rivendale! Since when do elves go underground!? Asked Balin, and he pointe to giant glowing runes on ceiling, which apparently spell out directions to Rivendale! Where is this on the map! It can't be the blue line with the R on it! Am now stuck in Rivendale, with stupid hot elves, and Gandalf is going to ignore us all while he romances the one with the blond hair! Bah! #StupidMaps

Kili:

Am in land of the hottest people ever. Also have more facial hair than any of them, even without fake beard. #AmHottestEver

Fili:

Oh how lovely, more people who are better looking than me. Perhaps will bring them along to fight dragon and they will all die. #FuckingElves

Bomber:

Was stabbed by orc in battle. No one has noticed. Elves are also v. pretty. Dwarves do not seem to have issue with that, despite argument for no dwarf women in battle being that would be too pretty. #Hypocrites.

Arwen:

Little Aragorn the human is such cute little boy! Only 5 or so, and has already learned to call me 'mama.' Tried to get him to say 'sexy elf queen Arwen,' but failed. Cannot see why uncle hooked up with human and died young, would be v. weird, since humans are so much younger than us. #UnclePedo

Ori:

Elves trying to poison us with green food. #Won'tEatIt

Elrond:

City overrun by dwarves. Don't eat green food, can't read own map, want help, are going to fight a dragon, and then GANDALF of course. Bah!

Did get to slay orcs and ride into town and look hot. Often feel like daughter should be gotten rid of, or married off to a human, so will be hottest again. Thankfully none of dwarves are hot. Except gold-haired one of course, and little burglerhobbit, whatever that is.

Dori:

Elrond wants Bilbo. #Thorin will kill him if he tries anything.


	10. Chapter 10

**Day 10:**

Er yeah, so obviously I'm about as good at posting regular chapters as Thorin is at reading maps... also apparently the first time I posted ch. 6, I just re-posted ch.1, but there is an actual ch.6, and it should be fixed now.

Kili:

Elves like Fili better than me. Possibly lack eyes. Tried poking one in eye with axe, but Fili told me I was being rude. Why do elves like Fili better than me? Am much hotter than Fili. #HateElves #HateRivendale #HateFili

Fili:  
OMG. Love elves. BEST PLACE EVER. #LoveElves

Thorin:

Gandalf will not let me talk to elves. Keeps stepping on foots when try to argue with him. Glad I have no beard, or else he would step on that too. Told me needs help reading map (HA! Am NOT Illiterate), but keeps wandering off with stupid blond elves. #GandalfIsIlliterate

Balin:

How is it that Gandalf is a wizard, yet cannot read ancient dwarvish? Can read it myself, but am waiting to be asked. Also like watching Thorin squirm.

Bomber:

Have only just now realized how many of us have names starting with B. Also dwarf names seem to always rhyme. Suspect dwarves not v. good at choosing new names for children. Elves have nice food, but seem to be opposite of dwarves in exactly the same way; dwarf women look like dwarf men but are not allowed to fight because of manfeelings, and elf men look the same as elf women, but elf women cannot fight because of manfeelings. Feel like world would be better with less manfeelings and more logic.

Arwen:

Little Aragorn thinks he will be king. Caught him in make-up room putting eyeliner on face. Said he needed to update his stubble. Do men grow beards too? Thought only ugly dwarves did that? Aragorn v. annoying for small child. Wants candy, wants to be king, wants to play with giant swords... no wonder his mother abandoned him. Perhaps will try sending him on quest and not letting him back into Rivendale.

Fili:

Elves love me. Was helped in bath by several of them, too many hands to count. Hair is now finally braided properly, and have hid little bald patch Kili cut into hair. When told elves of stupidity of Kili seemed v. responsive and empathetic. Seemed to think needed massage for legs when mentioned how much walking and running and riding was done. Have found that Kili is what elves call 'jelly.' Not sure what means, but sounds insulting so will use anyway. #LoveThis

Kili:

Threw bread at elf's head in banquet hall. I shall ruin his pretty face. I must be prettiest. Too many elves here. #DeathToElves Also, so jelly, as elves are hot, and use words like 'jelly.' Not sure what means, but will use it anyway.

Gandalf

In Rivendale. Had meeting with elves, and had secrete conversation with Galadriel under Sauron's nose while dwarves escape. So what if we might wake an ancient evil and bring about the apocalypse? Need hot dwarves, and Thorin was getting all mopey.

Thorin

Gandalf insisted we go to elves to read map. Entirely unnecessary. I found north on the map yesterday while bathing with dwarves and hobbit. Was planning on only hobbit but others joined and ruined romantic moment. Hobbit said it was East-South, but what does he know?

Kili

In Rivendale. Am blinded by hot elves. ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚ ∂®∑¨∞∂©¨∆ƒ∆¥ƒ˚

Had to pretend this was an important journal of our travels. Dwalin was looking over shoulder. I must have a hot elf or six for myself. Nevermind Thorin and his mountain. He's not king yet. I could have the elves, AND a mountain. Going to sneak off to watch elves bathing. #OMGHOtElves!

Bofur:

Elves cannot sing. Bomber seems immune to my charms, so threw food at elves as seduction attempt. If we all teamed up and killed Kili and Fili the elves would notice the rest of us hot dwarves. #KillTheHotOne

Thorin:

Found out everyone has been mistranslating my name. It is Thorin OakenBRANCH people, not oakenshield. That wouldn't make any sense now would it? They aren't even shaped like shields. How would someone even fit a shield down their trowsers? #ScrewedUpName

Elrond:

Why do 14 dwarves need to bathe so much? None look any cleaner. Why has Gandalf not bathed at all since getting here? Only member of company that seems reasonable is little Hobbit, but the angry dwarf got all shirty when tried to feel him up. #HateDwarves


	11. Chapter 11: Day 11

Day 11: Rivendale day 3

So, there're about ~16 days total in the first movie (as per my lazy counting), and then we're onto the second movie!

Kili

Found that elves have beauty routine in front of mirror, where chant. "Am Beautiful. Will be more beautiful tomorrow.' Must try to see if this works for self, but with hottestness. #WillBePrettier

Also, Gandalf has new name here, or else has elfin twin named Mithrandir. V. confusing.

Thorin

Elves keep pointing out I am not king under the mountain yet. Must concur. But vengeance will be taken on the poncy elves, even if I have to set Kili AND Fili on them. #NotKingUnderMountain

Bilbo

Was ignored there for a moment, but had strange talk with Elrond. Elves still make no sense. Also went to secret meeting with Thorin, Balin, Gandalf, and Elrond. Am not sure why Thorin wanted me there. #

Dori:

Kili and Fili are clearly degenerates. Keep trying to get into elf-pants. #Interbreeding

Fili:

Kili tried to hit on elf at dinner; failed utterly. No time to write, must console elves and bask in awesomeness. #BaskingInBeingHottestForOnce

Balin:

V. convenient that elves an read map with moon-runes; odd that we have somehow accidentally gotten here on EXACTLY the right day. % Convenient

Thorin:

Whingy lord Elrond thinks we should stay out of Erebor. Thinks it's dangerous. #WhingyPoncyElfInDress

Azog:

Soldiers failed to kill dwarves, so threw remaining soldier against wall. He died. #DeathToTheLineOfDurin

Bifur:

Broke elf furniture up to make ∞§∆¥†¥©√¨fire. Seems like did something wrong there, but cannot think what. §∂ƒ¥∂ßåß´® head v. fuzzy since Thorin hit axe in ∞´∆©˙√

Gloin:

Rivendale is terrible place. Must ensure son never comes to such a terrible place. Elves v. pretty, but clearly evil and in lust for dwarven flesh. No doubt would lead to unsavory friendships or halfling children. #NotTheChildren

Arwen:

Aragorn v. annoying today. Keeps ranting about how he is king. Is SOOO not king. Wish had not taken on such a motherly role with him. Ruins all my stockings and cries like baby. It's been 3 days, shouldn't he be middle aged by now? Humans are supposed to grow up v. fast compared to elves. #AnnoyingBabyAragorn


	12. Chapter 12: Day 12

Day 12: Rivendale Day 4

Gandalf:

Elrond tried to convince me not to go to Erebor. I do not see what the problem is; it's only one dragon. Then totally blindsided me with Galadriel. Just because we had an affair 300 years ago does NOT mean she gets to dictate what I do now! #ClingyXGirlfriend

Galadriel:

Saw Gandalf again. Is SUCH a lazy bf. It's been almost 300 years since he's given me anything on my birthday. #StillLoveHim

Gandalf:

Even fucking worse. He sent for Saruman. #SoScrewed

On upside Saruman doesn't know that Elrond let King of Gondor walk off with evil ring instead of pushing him into the volcano like a logical person. Elrond's line has always had a weakness for the flesh of men. That came out wrong. #CameOutSoundingOdd

Saruman:

Gandalf found evil blade; says that evil is coming back. How can this be? Evil was defeated, and the ring destroyed long time ago. Elrond knows. It's not like Elrond just let Isildor keep the ring and walk off with it.

Elrond:

#OhFuckSarumanDoesn'tKnowHeKepTheRing

Thorin:

Heading out of poncy elf-town. Had to stow Fili in a sack, as was naked and surrounded by poncy elves. Made stupid speech before we dragged him off. Kili seems v. upset by this, and tried to kiss elf, but failed. Hobbit seemed to take forever to catch up. But he is mine; no leaving him with the elves. #Lols #MyHobbit

Bilbo:

Running? Again? By the Shire, there seems no end to all of this exercise! #Pantpant

Kili:

Back on the road again. Am hottest dwarf again. Fili lost his clothing and still cannot compare. #Hottest

Fili:

Uncle interrupted giant elven orgy, v. rude, and dragged me off in a sack. While they may say Kili is hottest, this makes it clear that they cannot do without me. #AtLeastTheElvesThinkI'mHot

Dwalin:

Hobbit cannot run, and keeps panting. Thorin v. good looking from behind, but you don't need to be so vocal about it. #StupidHobbit

Bombur:

Must we run everywhere? This seems like far too much exercise, and besides, the elves seemed v. stupid. Why no just tell them we've given up quest and are going home, and then head to Erebor anyway? #HateRunning

Arwen:

Just found out from Celedriel that there were hot dwarves in Rivendale! WTF! Why did no one tell me?! Apparently, they were perfect height, and blond one provided perfect aesthetics for orgy! And now they are gone! They could've at least taken stupid Aragorn with them, but noooooo... will get revenge for this later. #HateBeingMotherlyFigure


End file.
